Are you giving feedback too much power?

How to separate useful feedback from others’ opinions

A few years ago, I hired a professional speaker for a big international event I was leading.

Before we met, my contact at the speaker’s bureau told him he should be very prepared for our meeting because I was “a woman who knows exactly what she wants.”

When he later repeated this story to me, he told me this had made him nervous and that he could see why the people I work with might find me intimidating.

I remember laughing. Not because it was funny exactly – but because it seemed absurd.

I thought at the time, isn’t it a good thing to be clear about expectations when you’re hiring someone for an important assignment? 

What struck me wasn’t his comment itself. It was how quickly I turned someone else's reaction into something I needed to examine about myself.

I left the conversation wondering whether I was more intimidating than I thought and if it was something I needed to tone down.

I think this is part of a much bigger problem for women leaders.

Many women don’t realize how much unsolicited and unclear workplace feedback has quietly eroded their trust in themselves.

We hear things like:

• “You’re too direct.”

• “You need more executive presence.”

• “You should soften your approach."

One of my clients was told by her male boss at a networking event that she “shouldn’t start by talking shop.”

She left questioning herself.

Was she too serious? Too ambitious? Doing networking “wrong”?

Meanwhile, her colleagues at the same event were doing exactly what she was doing: talking about business.

By the time I started working with her she had been carrying this piece of feedback for 10 years and it became clear it was getting in the way of being able to manage up in her organization.

Another client, in a senior leadership role that requires difficult conversations almost daily, was told she was “making others uncomfortable.” There were no actual observable behaviours shared or guidance on how to do it differently.

Just discomfort from her boss and a couple of her peers – handed back to her as feedback.

So, she began attributing this to being too direct in her language and was constantly questioning her instincts when communicating with others.

Research consistently shows women receive feedback that is more vague and personality-based than men (such as how they make people feel), while men are more likely to receive specific developmental feedback tied to business outcomes.

Over time, this leads to women leaders monitoring themselves endlessly.

Was I too much?
Too blunt?
Too visible?
Too ambitious?

And because so much of the feedback is confusing or contradictory, there’s no real way to resolve it.

The ambiguity is exhausting.

So, what can we do to stop the cycle of internalizing unhelpful feedback?

I think the first step is to move from automatically absorbing feedback to thoughtfully evaluating it.

From: "What's wrong with me?"
To: "What exactly am I being asked to consider here?"

Here are three ways to do this.

Stop treating every opinion as equally important

One person's discomfort is not automatically a leadership problem. In fact, I think it's important to remember that all feedback is subjective.

Every piece of feedback comes through another person's experiences, expectations, preferences and biases.

That doesn't mean feedback isn't valuable. It simply means feedback should be evaluated, not automatically accepted.

When I think about the feedback that is most useful, it tends to be:

• specific
• observable
• actionable
• connected to outcomes
• consistent across patterns and contexts

Not because it is more true, but because it gives us something meaningful to consider.

The goal isn't to decide whether feedback is right or wrong. The goal is to decide whether it is useful in helping us achieve our leadership goals.

Don't fill in the blanks

Women are often handed feedback that is frustratingly vague.

"Be more strategic."
"Have more executive presence."
"You need to be less sensitive."

The temptation is to fill in the blanks ourselves and assume that we are doing something wrong – that we need fixing.

Instead, when you hear this feedback, get curious.

Ask: What specifically are you seeing? What would you like me to do differently? What specific outcomes could be improved?

If nobody can answer these questions, there may not be enough substance to act on and you can probably move on to more important priorities.

Stay connected to your own judgment

This is the one I believe matters most.

Women are often socialized to trust external opinions more than their own instincts.

Over time, that can lead us to outsource our judgment. 

The good news is we have the capacity to remain open, thoughtful and reflective without constantly reshaping ourselves around other people's opinions and reactions.

That is the shift.

Not learning how to take feedback better.

Learning how to trust yourself enough to decide what feedback deserves your attention – and what doesn't.
 
You've got this!