Stop making yourself smaller
Why talented women hold back and how to make it stop
The longer I coach women leaders, the more I notice how often talented women make themselves smaller than they need to.
What does this look like at work?
The woman who:
Softens an opinion with, "I'm not sure, but..."
Has a strong point of view but waits to be invited into the conversation
Defers to others when she intuitively knows what the best decision is for the business
Spends more time managing other people's reactions than expressing what she actually thinks
Why do we do this?
Not because we aren't capable. And not usually because we lack confidence.
But because many of us have been socialized to be likable, accommodating and non-threatening.
Do you remember hearing the expression, "That's not very ladylike?"
I sure do.
From an early age, many of us learn that being agreeable is rewarded and that taking up too much space can come at a cost.
The problem is that every time we make ourselves smaller, we make it harder for others to see our value.
We hesitate to ask the strategic questions or hold back our ideas. We stay quiet when we have something important to contribute.
And over time, it starts to shape how we see ourselves.
I believe it's one of the reasons so many women are told they need more confidence, more influence or more executive presence.
We've become so focused on avoiding the discomfort of being judged, challenged or taking up too much space that we stop fully showing up.
So, what can you do to start playing bigger?
1. Get clear about the risk of staying small
In my experience, many women focus on the risk of speaking up.
But I believe there is a bigger risk in staying silent.
It can lead to spending years hiding our expertise, withholding our perspective and wondering why we're not having the impact we want.
So ask yourself, what kind of leader do I want to be?
I'm guessing it's the kind that doesn't want to play small.
2. Notice where you're editing yourself
Awareness comes before change.
So you need to first recognize when you're doing it.
Pay attention to moments where you:
over-explain
apologize unnecessarily
wait for permission
withhold an opinion, question or idea
leave a conversation regretting that you didn’t speak up
And think about how you want to do it differently next time.
3. Practice one small act of courage every day
It doesn't matter where you start.
Maybe it's with your team or a peer you trust.
Go ahead and:
Ask your question.
Share your perspective.
Disagree respectfully.
Take credit for your work.
And remember, every time you withhold your perspective, you're sending yourself a message: What I think doesn't matter as much as what everyone else thinks.
And every time you speak up, challenge an idea or share your point of view, you're reinforcing a different message: My perspective has value.
You've got too much to offer to hold yourself back. So please don't.
I'm cheering you on from the sidelines.