Are you letting others shape your leadership?
The choice that changes everything
Here’s something that keeps coming up in my coaching sessions: we spend far more time reacting to what's happening around us than we realize.
Not because we're overly sensitive or emotional.
But because our brains are designed to notice criticism, uncertainty and rejection. And so our first reaction is automatic.
What isn't automatic and what most of us don’t realize is that we have a choice about what happens next.
Over the past few weeks, three different coaching clients came to me carrying the emotional weight of something that had happened days earlier.
One couldn't stop replaying how a peer challenged her in a meeting. Another was questioning herself after a client rejected her proposal. Another had convinced herself an email from her boss proved she did not value her.
Different women. Different organizations. Different situations. The same pattern.
Somewhere between what happened and what happened next, they had started telling themselves a story. Being challenged in a meeting became, Maybe I'm not strategic enough. The client rejection became, Clearly I don’t know what I’m doing and the email from the boss became, I need to prove to my boss how capable I am.
The story became each client’s truth, and it was impacting how they were showing up at work.
The interesting thing is, none of them actually knew those stories were true.
The peer who challenged her in the meeting may simply have a different opinion. The client who rejected the proposal may have budget restrictions. The email from the boss may have been written between meetings on a busy day.
None of us can ever know exactly why people do what they do or say what they say. Yet our brains are remarkably good at filling in the blanks. We mistake our interpretations for facts. And once we do, we start behaving as though those stories are true.
Why does this matter?
Because the stories we tell ourselves shape how we lead. When we spend more time managing other people's reactions, we are constantly questioning ourselves and we stop expressing what we really think. We show up according to the story we've created, rather than the leader we want to be.
Without realizing it, we've handed someone else the steering wheel.
One of my clients recently had a breakthrough when I reminded her that she didn't have to act on every piece of feedback she received during a 360 process. She looked at me and said, "Wait, I get to choose?"
Exactly.
Not every uncomfortable feeling requires us to do something about it. And while we can't always choose our first reaction, we can choose whether we keep feeding it.
The next time you catch yourself ruminating, here’s a quick frmawork you can use:
Pause for a moment and name what you are doing: “Oh, there I go reacting again.” This is the first step to interrupting the reaction.
Then ask yourself: Do I actually know this is true or is this the story I'm telling myself? I think you’ll see that most of the time, it’s a story.
Final step: Is there a learning here? If there’s nothing you need to act on, let it go. But if the learning is you need more information, then identify that next step such as asking for a meeting with your boss to clarify her recent email or inviting your peer for lunch so you can understand her better and build more trust
Don't let someone else's opinion, one difficult meeting or a story your mind created decide how you show up tomorrow.
It’s your choice. And it’s one of the most powerful choices you can make as a leader.